Ortha!!! Ortha!!!!!1

Toodae i wok up and eye had rittn a book! It woz lyk that tym i wok upp and i waz in shirlees undaweer. xcept this tym i waz ackchilly asleep and not pratending becors i wonted to fynd owt wat silk pantees wer lyk in the leest imbarrasing way!

now i hav to pratend to slepewalk evry nyt and put shirlees pantees so she dusnt think i waz acting suspishis that 1 tym! then i normilly goe 4 a mydnyt snak and eat veggiemight on kornflakes with motor oyl jus so shirlee thinks i am acshilly aslepe and not pratending cos if i waz pratending i wud probablee eat sumthin nyce or roste a turkee or bake a sevin laya cake maybee. forchinatlee i alwys qwute lykd tha taste of mota oyl.

butt this tym i rote a book! it waz in my hand and syned doogl! i kno i wud hav syned it 'doogel' if i waz awake but slepe doogl probly dusnt kno this. i showd shirlee and she rolld her i's so i went to sebastyans plce (in tha sekure lokdown wing of tha prizzon, hez doing grand larsinny tym for diak at tha momint) and he thort it wus the koolest book eva! 'tha grate butt piratikal bumbustificayshin' is just wat id call a book too - slepe doogl has sum gr8 ideas! i corld a lokil publishng ajincee and thy sed they wud syn mee to a three bok deal for a corter of a millyn dolliz! I corld diak to tell him tha gud nuz and he larfed wen he hurd abowt my bokk - but he got reel mad wen i told him abowt tha publishes deel! he told me that orltho slepe doogl rote tha book, he wuz slepe doogil's gost riter! i got rele skeerd and skreemd for a wile thn i waz sad becors diak waz obvioslee ded and had becom a gost and orl he cud do wuz rite becors no1 cud see him. i went ova to his plc and askd him abowt this and he sed thats ecxactly wat hd happnd. i askd him why i cud see him and he sed it was bcors as a gost he wz able to travl bak in tym to wen he was aliv. that sowndid coole but i wudnt wont to bee a goste it wud be to scarey. he got me 2 syn a contrakt 2 sine tha publisha deel ova to him as a gost riter. it ws tha leest i cud do for my deer departd frend.

then layter in tha aftanoon i got a call from anotha ajint! i askd if they wer from tha publishn ajincee but thay sed no they wer from tha serious and obseen fraud offis and had bene calld by margarit mahey's loyers! thay askd abowt my bok but i showd them my kontract with tha late mr. diak and let them kno he woz a gost riter so he wud be hard too find. thay lookd at me kindof funnee and lookd at each otha and shuk their heads strangelee. thay sed 'thanx, good jobb littl buddy, youre a speshil persin' then thay left to paye theer rispects at diaks grave lyk i askd them too.

laeta at nyt i saw tha 'brakeing neuws' and sore diak on TV with tha men from the sereeus and obseen fraud offis! Thay must hav had a car accsident on tha way to diaks grave and all be in heavn togetha now.

poor diak i miss ur goatee and frendlee kontinuous larfter. kome bak in tym and visit me if ther isnt a lot mor fun stuff to do wen ur a gost.

Doogled'sTerrortorialness!

In a prevyus blogg i menshined my stewpid kat Doogild. I got herr frum a frend thenking she wuld bee kul but she turnd owt to be a looser! And rekentli she haz bcum reli teratorial! Lett me gyv u a bit off bakgruond too Dogogled. Afta abowt fore munths of hafing her in the howse she staartid sayeng all thees imbarasing thingz, expeshli arownd gests! 1 tym we waz havin a partee and she burzt in and bgan glowting lyk she waz a prinkess! She came in dancin and sed "Hay evribodi! Wear's the parti at?" adn evin Bruse thuoght she waz a bad darncer! And thats sayeng sumthink coz wen Broose darncees he lookz lyk a kompleet durkface with all those imposibly farst spinz on the floore and stuf. She preti mutch labiled hercelf a partee anamal! How aragint! She woz even anoying Diacke and steelin his thunda. He wuld be spayding tha chiks like Sallee and Shirlee and Doougld wuld steel all the atention by cuming inn and beying so aparintly kute! Hey! I juste reilised thatt Diak woz totili hiting on mye wyf and gurlfriende at that partee! (Ohh yeh, butt Diak sez i cant judg hymn for thingz he's dun in the parst coz thats allreedi histry!) Butt at the partye Diak gott so madd coz Doogild was beying cutte and torking and stuf but then she loste everione's intrist when she blabd on abowt crapp for too longe. Wen no 1 waz lookin Diacke grabd the shotgunn onn the dinna tabil and chashed Doogiled owt of the huose and downe the streete untill he was preti surr she waz ded cos, and i quoyt "I blu the insydes of that mangi litle atenshin steelr intoo abolivion and thenn bashd her withe the shotgin, relowdid, dide it all agean, wente downe to the lokil gunn shoppe, came bak and kepte shoting til i was tyred and borede." I figerd it waz probli four the beste and she wente the waye she wuld hav lyked to havv goyne. But the kat came bak! We waz sure she waz a gonna! But tenn minits lata Doogld arrved bak at the house adn waz all keene to keep partiyin. Diac waz so madd he usde up all his shots. But yeh, it was juste frustratink how she kept yappin and beying aroginte!
And u think shee wuld be all famis and stuf four beying abil to tork butt she ruwins itt by saeying stoopid stuffe so everone thenks she's in ediot. Butt resently shee waz owt and abowt geting all terrortorial. Youshally we find burds ded in the louwnge adn stuf but she's gohn too farr and startid killlinge off otha kats arownde the streats! Wee juste doent no wot too do wiv her now! It's gott so badd she's got a cryme sindikate runing wher she hyers thuggs, kontrakt killrs and marfia to nock off kats thatt r pretier than herr. Myk Hitmann haz even gott in on the profatbile skeme. I gues thiz is reli a mesage to say "Bee karefool! Coz Dogiled iz owt thear!" Aktshily she onli gets let owt at nite by me wen i thinke she myght crape on the karpit. Butt hear r a fue fotos of her laytist viktims.

Whizkers: His biskats were laced with poysin

Pluto: Fryed with hiz owne kitken apliences

Buttins: Drownd in his kiti litta bocks.

Charlee: Burnd alyve afta his favrit spott waz heeted up gradily.

Mindi: Squashd batween herr owna's shue!

The deth towl is rising! Downt let ur kiten be next!

Bruoce!

Wel sinc i got bak frum livin in a garbidge skipp for a yeah and now thta i am bak at hoem i dicedid to bye a yute. Broose sed to me nott to botha tho coz he culd lend me hiz. Kool i sed! Butt afta i took it for a dryv it turnd out i alreedi hadd a kar in the garidge i juste didint no! In the end i gavv it bac to Bruse and saed "Chaires aniwae but it turns owt the yute u leant me is all brokin and smasjed up!" He louked at it adn sed "Oh yup yup yup" and crakd me in the hed with the harde end of his paynt brushe. So i went owt and bort anotha yout. It was reel goode four lyk 2 minits untel i gott to the dryv thru and realizd Tarco Belle had chayndg the entrince. It wuz smalla and windo-ey-er and so i tryd to dryive thru the dreyivethrou but aprently my ute was too larg for it. And thay hav crapi serviss their! I ordid a tarco bell and they tolled me i hadd to go thro the aktual dryv thru. Geez! Tork abowte confuzin. No wonda they loos owt to KFCE and MicDonilds and Bugger King ( i almostt spelt that wrogn butt Diac corected me!)

Twhenti-Furst

Quyt kool thys yer woz gowing 2 mye suns' 21furst burthdae parte evun tho he dyed a fue yeahs ago. We hadd an onarary parti 4 him adn i gott to keeep al the prisents! Itt wos a kostoom partyi and witch had ann inturnashnil theem. I dicidid to go ass a Rushin Saalor named Karl. Evri time sum1 arskd me a queschin I rispnded in a Borerat voyce "Iiiiii lyk booooys" no mattr wot they sed or even iff i undastood themm whitch most tyms i dedn't eniway! Lukily no 1 asks me 2 maney questiuns that oftin. Shirlee ses its coz they figurr i knoww evaerythin allreedi. Diak seys its coz I am teh stouopidest frecken dorkfayce in all the wurld and no1 hass eva rispected anythng i sae evin b4 i waz bourne. I apreshiated Sherli's imputt butt i thenk Diacke knuws wot he's torkin abowt! Speekin of Diac he caem as a leperchaun adn sed that i culd finde golde at the end of the reignbow. Lukily therr was a reinboe paineted on muriel acros the streit and Diak told me to go and get it ateteen tyms but i mised it evri time butt thatss coz he sed i was a stopuid homaseckual and i wusnt farst enuf. Roger cayme alonge as a prosdituut. Wen i arsked him whye he wuld do sutch a thinge he sed it was the onli commmon job in evri contry. I reealiced this was tru so i let him wurk the roome. Brouce came as a Frenshmen and tried out his frenshch on the laydees. Aparintly "Yup yup yup" is freenche for nuthing tho. Diak sed he culd do beta french and triid it out on Shirlee. Wel corerect me if i mised sumthink but isn't freenche suposed to bee wurds adn not just harde 0wt pashin? Neva mynd. Mike Hitmen and Sourci Sih came as gangnstirs and their parti trik waz robing evaryone. The otha parti gessts plaed alonge tho by screeming and chacing afta themm. Myk and Sigh aprently had to leeve erli afta this. I inviited Salee too and she caam as a guisha in one of thoos funi Japinees dreses. Diak must hav beeen kon-fused coz he thught she waz a reel geishaa and triid to tayk her up onn it. Sibastean came as an Amirecan Indean! Hee was al dresedd in Amerricen Endian clouthin and darnching arung like a crazi man. The gurls loved him so mutch that they kepd arsking him owt. Diak gott sowta gelous and yoused his lepracorn poweres to knea Cebistian in the bawls and nock him ova the drinkse tabel.
Afta this Brouse gav a buutiful uligy for my sun Gus whisch was so goud it made me cri, but moustly coz it reminidid me that i usd to dryv a buz. He remminissed abowt hoew he hadd cum bak to Erth afta visithing anutha plaanet and waz havin a few drynks at the barr with his alyen frend when the aliyn sudenli bit off Gus'z head! The foto below waz of the next day wen we all went 2 the beech.I wasn't sur abowt it butt Diak had just ceen Weak End at Burny's so he sed u wer allowd to do that and that peepil jus larfed wen they sore a ded persin. Eniway, Broos fineshed off the speeche and then I sed a few wurds for Guz: "Heellloooo frum beyond the graaaave. I is ded and havin funn in my coffiiiiiiin cos Diak gave me a decke of cards wen i is dyeeeeed." Sum1 sed it was enaproprate butt i felte lyk it waz a nise wae to saye guodbie. Al in al the nite wente off wifout a hitsch. I wuz glad I sed goodbi to my favrit sonn and Rodga even mayd sum monee out of the nite.

Wedings!

Thes yer startid off wiv a hole bunche of weedings. Funly enuf Diak invitid me two all of them. The firste one I wente to wass relly weerd cos it waz one of my x-gerlfiends frum skool (primery scool) adn beleeve it or knot butt Diac wass marying her! I wos so shokd! Butt I sat their and wotchd Diak and Sheela get marreed and four sum reeson Diak kept louking at me the whoole tym and gheting frustrayted moor and mor. Hee then invitd mee to anutha wedding adn this tyme he was marriing mye geerfrend Sallee! I culdn't beelieve it. I almoost stod upp in protesst buutt deecided to enjoi the sho. Diakc gott reely pisssed offe this tyme and his fayce went all red. The neckst wekend Dyak hadd anuva weddin! This tym it wass my wyfe, Sheerli! Diak hadd a deeveos looke on his face and this tyme I culdn't lett him do it so I stoode up and yelld "Hay Diacke! ..." Adn then u no wen u go to say sumethink and u kompleetly forgett wot u waz torking abowt? Wel, it hapened! Diek hadd a big smyle on his face witch lookd like he waz gowing to kil sum1. But I jusst sat bak duwn and tok owt mye video camra cos I thuoght this wuld be a guod moment to katsh on vidyo. Four the nexte 2 weaks i cuoldn;'t find Sherli but she evenshali came bak. Turns uot she was hangng wit Diak in Burmuda. Tha necxt weekedn I went to the larst weding that munth and the vale was ova Diak's bryd-to-bee the whule tiem. Wen she fynali got to the ulta to mari Diak I realysed it was Bruce! Sudenli remememberin that Diak had maried Sheela, Salle, and Sheerlee I jumpd up adn ran to the altare and yeld at Diak pushin him aside. In a mes of konfushin I fergot y i woz thare and endd up marying Bruse. Adn c-ing as Broose onli eva sayz "Yep, yep, yep" he sed it to the preest hoo maried us. Funili enufthe presst turnd out 2 b Diak cos two sekonds erlier Diak pushd the aktual preest into the baptesmal poole. Wel it wazn't a kompleet wast of tym. Broose and I had a romantik adn pashonate honeemoon.

Resurfising!

Wel its bean a yeer sinse i last rote in this blogg and i is fynially riting somthinge nu. I hav beene lifing in a skip cuz i frogot whear my house wass. Ooops. Fourtunatalie four me the skip hadd pleenty of difrent verieties of foood. Sherlie finalli found me thee otha dae and insteed off loking ikcited and releeved she wass discusted. Butt now i'm home. Kudes.

Sallye's 21st

Sallye at her 21st

On Satuurdae I went to Salee's 21ste barndarnc and decidid to envite Dyack adn Broose alogn. Dyiak sed he wuld take carr of the presints adn he went and bort all this stuf on my credit caard as well as sum xtra thingse he sed the starveng chilldren of Afroca neede. Beets me whi they nede plaestaystion, carrs and bowts butt Diak nos moor abowt that kiynde of thing than mee so Ill asume the reeson he didnt send it to afrika and helde that xploding bowt partee is cos Diek nose morre abowt wot the chilldrin neede. Eni-wae I told her this and seeemd oke abouwt it cos she thanked Dieak heaeps cos they werr in the bak roome for ayges. Unfourtunitly Salee mayde the mystake of inveeting mye wyfe Sheerlee. Aparentlee Sali hade no idea Shirle wass maryed to me eveen tho I hadd mayde it cleer Shirlee was juste my midwife, whitch Dyak tolde me meens the more averige persone your marryed to comparred to all the otha peeple your c-ing. Welle afta that umimbarasing momint we all startid barne darncin and I no I wass encreddibly good even tho Brouce sed I dident get even one movv rite. Dyak on the otha hand was addng in all thees xtra movvs and spinning wenchs in the airr until every1 stoppd and formed a sircle arownd Diack klapping and chairing as he spun Sali up to the roofe and ova the woodeen frames. Lyke I kouldnt do that if I wanted! Aftawids I felt a little unapreshiated so Dyak reashured me that if I became the strippa then evreyone wuld chair me lyke they did for Diak. Well, mye performince muste havee been so good that every1 must havv figurd therer was nothink beta than me strippig cos they all left half way thru. Lata I culdnt find Dyak cos he'd run off out the bak with both Sali AND Shirlee for sum reason so I hunge out with Bruse. Terns out Brose he been a bit owt of placc at a soshil avent so he went and gott the tools from his ute and fixed the brokn spout ruond the bak. And wuold'nt u kno it but there's Diak chapreoning Sali and SHirlee behind the shed. He's such a guod friend lookin out for them and all. I'm glad Salli had a gudd nigt afta all that.

Sundae Chursh

Churkh was grate 2day cos me and Diak maniged to finde heeps of peepil woo wernt klosing there i's wen praaing so i got 1 of my gards to dish out sum beetings. Diac poynted out a gudd poynt tho wen he sed that if I sor the persen praing with thear eyes ohpen then I mustve had mine opin too! Diakc apropreitlee gavv me dew beeatings two and he was so goud cos I dednt evenn havv to arsk him! Noww thats a goode frend! The sirvis went preti wel dispite haveng to givv a sirmin with a brokin cola bone. Tha warship wass veri spiritshual adn we sung sohngs lyk "Wear cann I runn frome yur luv?" I luv it cos its so profund saying ther is no placc to get awae from God knot evin if u shutt him owt of ur liffe and travle to difrent dimenshins and otha wurlds. Then it ses that wen u travle to diferent wourlds triing to get awae from Godd u havv to conveert the aleins adn spayc pirates (oh and diak wanted me to say butt pyrits too!) Diac incoreged me the hole tyme by larfing at all the funi bits in the tawk but it seemd to bee a kontinuis larf and I dont rememba riting ani funni bits in. Now that I thinke abowt it Dyak helpd rite that sermin cos he wantid to bring abouwt an awarenis of mye new fowndid okupashin as a homosektual adn the strong fagacekual inflooence I intendded to empowse on the khurch. Hmm, hee muste havv ritten moest of that hhmself but it was a graet sucksess; the churkh hadd a purrminent dumfowndid look on there faysis. Bye the end of it we had loust halve the kongrigayshin but u havv to ecspect that wen peepl dont want to here the gospil, oh and diaK kept killin peepel for looking lyk homs.

Job huntin

Now i am at a lus end becors I hav no prafeshion since i gayv up beeing a homasexqual a cupple of owers ago becors the lyfestile woz not for mee. Diak haz mayd the good sujeschins of a butt pirate, a bak dor bandit or a veggiemyte hiwaymin, but i chekd owt tha salarees for those jobz and thay werent fortee millyin dollars at all! Plus orl of tha jobz diak sujestd involvd sum sort of malfezans or misdameena and tha cops orlredy hav my princ on file. I am lyking sum of diaks otha ideas lyk a ballareena or a sayla or a fairee, howeva.